(A mediocre-looking GUY approaches an attractive young GAL)
GUY: Hi, can I buy you a drink? Look, before you say anything let me present you with what I offer. I realize I'm not the sexiest fish in the ocean, buy my plan is to slowly win you over with my charm and wit. I'll probably start this conversation by inventing some small talk about some bullshit reality TV show or something that neither of us really cares about but it's better than standing in awkward silence, right? Then I'll ask for your number which you'll reluctantly give me because you'll think, "who knows, maybe this guy is more than he seems," so we'll go out on a few dates and even though you don't really feel a connection at least you'll get a few good dinners out of it and I'll probably score a couple fairly tame make-out sessions, maybe try to cop a feel, but not if you're not digging it because I respect women. Then we'll break up when you inevitably get tired or bored of me, and I'll want to stay friends but you'll push me away and that'll be that. Then, one night, after you think our relationship has completely petered out you'll invite me to a party as your date because you'll want to make some other ex jealous and, let's face it, I'm an intelligent guy who looks pretty good in a suit. I'll follow you around all night, make sure you don't get too drunk, then let you confide in me about how the rest of the world sucks. I'll make some funny but vulgar joke like, "well, then the universe must have a really large, insatiable dick," and you'll chortle in spite of yourself and invite me back to your new, barely furnished apartment for a nightcap. I'll decline, saying I'd better not but you'll make me make a mistake for once in my life and we'll leave the party, head across town and have sex. The next day you'll have some regrets, but think I'm too nice a guy for just a hit and run one-time hook up, so we'll tentatively start referring to ourselves as our 'significant others', while keeping the sex casual and inconsistent to take the pressure off. In this confusing limbo we've created for ourselves you'll probably slip and cheat on me once or twice, but I'll forgive you and whip out the L word, which will solidify our shaky relationship once and for all. Then we figure we're both past our primes--although I am getting progressively better looking--and go for the whole shebang - maybe 2 or 3 kids, one of whom you'll wish was a girl and the other of which acts too much like me, causing us both to get on your nerves until you can't stand the sight of me or your own children because they constantly remind you of your failed, broken dreams that you never fully pursued. So you'll either file for divorce or remain unhappily married until one of us dies, which will most likely be you because, let's face it, you've really let yourself go these last several years. But I mean, that's your choice. So...how about that drink?
GAL: I mean, I guess I could use a martini.
GUY: Perfect. So...do you watch The Hills?
WORKS FOR ME.
ReplyDelete